Alright, I confess! I’m an alcoholic and I need help

“Hi, I’m Shaina and I’m an alcoholic”

I’ve defeatedly uttered this phrase a handful of times in the last few months. Honestly though, I think my admittance at meetings has been a means of solidarity, not a form of sincerity. The term “alcoholic” seems so heavy and almost cringeworthy to me, that it often fumbles out of my mouth like a bag of bricks, and drags me to the floor with it as if that’s where I belong.

I hate saying it. There is no way I could be an alcoholic, right? I’m only twenty-two. I just received my Bachelors degree from a Big Ten University. I’ve never been in trouble with the law. I haven’t lost a job or my family. I have never even drank in the morning (besides football Saturdays and St. Patricks Day, obviously those don’t count). I grew up with an alcoholic in my home; I KNOW what an alcoholic looks like. There is NO way I can possibly brand the same label as the people I know to be alcoholics.

Sure, I can think this way. Boo-hoo, pity me, I couldn’t possibly have a problem. Well guess what? If I didn’t have a problem, why would these thoughts even cross my mind? Why bother comparing myself to others if I truly have my life together? Why worry about the subject at all and go about my merry, obviously successful, way?

Because look, Darling, you’re a mess! 

Truth is, I cannot and do not want to fool myself anymore! I’m done. It’s over. I’m waving this stupid white flag saying “Help me. I can’t waste another day and I can’t fix me alone anymore, so please for the love of God, help me.”

But if help keeps coming and I persistently throw comparisons, doubt, shame, and self-righteousness at it, then that white flag is entirely useless. I’ll be back at square one, or worse! I’ll be drunk. I’ll be drunk. I’ll be miserable. And one day, I will die that way.

That, my friends, is why I am here. I have 101 days sober today and a LONG way to go from here. I have found heaps of support, advice, and helpful tools from the online sober community and I want to contribute all that I can to this support system that has given me so much.

I want to document my rocky road to recovery in a way that might benefit others in some degree if not as much as it may benefit me. I have an avid passion for writing and connecting with/ helping people and I’m hoping this project (blog) will be a useful outlet for all of that.

Cheers, to this new journey!

I hope you will join me for the ride.

“It’s a long road up to recovery from here.” -Frank Turner, Recovery

 

 

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10 thoughts on “Alright, I confess! I’m an alcoholic and I need help

  1. Keep on keeping on. God Bless you in your journey. I drank for 43 years and by the God I’m nearing 7 years of sobriety. You too can do it one day at a time. Peace :)

  2. There are few things more difficult for a young person than deciding to never again drink. Promise yourself to study staying sober, and doing so, for the same amount of time it took you to graduate from college. You will not regret it! Read and believe the promises in the Big Book, chap 5, pp 83-84. They are about the only sure thing you’ll ever experience in life. There are a lot of people your age who have been sober for a long time, find them and connect with them. They’ll save your life. You’re doing well, keep going!

    • Thank you, seriously. I needed this. It’s easier to believe those promises when I hear from people like you, who have been through it and can tell me that they are true. Luckily there is a wonderful young sober community in my area that I’ve been trying to reach out to when I am free. I will keep searching :)

  3. Shain, I’m proud of you for this choice. I know it was not easy, but I am happy that you are dealing with these issues before they have more dangerous consequences. I don’t really know what to say or how to start this, but I would still like to talk if you have the time.

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